The Following Posts are all speeches I gave for my college speech class in 2006. Pulled them out of the archives and decieded to re-post them. Enjoy! 🙂
Ladies and Gentleman, Boys and Girls, welcome to the 2005 Darwin Awards! Today we are here to recognize those unfortunate individuals who gave up their lives for the cleansing of the gene pool. Natural selection has taken its toll due to their idiotic actions and moronic behavior.
As we gather here today, in memory of this year’s winner, let us take our hats off to those that have left us in the past. In 2001 Ismael, from Hillsboro Oregon, took the award for his lack of understanding of electricity. After wrecking his car and knocking 7500volt power lines across the hood of his car, he attempted to free the vehicle by cutting the cables with a pair of pruning shears. (Darwinawards.com) The 2002 winner: Gerald, from Colorado, graciously removed himself from the gene pool. While running from police and firing a pistol over his shoulder, he accidentally shot himself in the head. (Darwinawards.com) A brazilin truck driver taught us why in-depth job training is important. In 2003 Manoel took the award for using a lighter to check the tank level in his gasoline truck. (Darwinawards.com) Dianne naturally selected herself in 2004. The 56yr old bus driver, after failing to properly engage the parking brake, attempted to stop a rolling 50ton bus with her own force. (Darwinawards.com)
Those poor unfortunate souls, they demonstrated how their lack of brain power and forward thought made them inferior. After performing a final act of stupidity they stopped any further breeding by ending their existence. They have sacrificed their lives with the hope that the human race will evolve intelligently. This year’s winners have also showed their ignorance.
Honorable mention is given to a special individual. In some way they have demonstrated utter stupidity. However, unlike the winners, their behavior did not lead to their funeral but instead a long hospital visit. This years honorable mention goes to; a construction worker in Moscow, Russia. While drilling with a huge auger he let go of the machine to pick up a shiny object. His co-workers were unable to stop the machine before it had eaten half his leg. (Darwinawards.com) Think about what you’re doing before trying to pick up the quarter.
And now to this years winners!
January 3rd in St. Maurice, Switzerland this 24 year-old second lieutenant attempted a lesson in surprise attacks to his battalion. Immediately following live ammunition training he whipped out his dagger and lunged at a soldier. The surprise attack lesson was learned. The soldier, in an attempt to protect the rest of detachment and himself, raised his rifle and fired (Darwinawards.com). Third place, may he rest in peace: Lieutenant Johnson!
Second place was close this year. It came down to only a few votes. Let us give a round of applause for the memory of; Christopher from Missaukee, Michigan. On March 19th after a night of heavy drinking, 19 year old Christopher found that some of his liquor supply had disappeared. In a drunken haze he stormed over to his neighbor’s house to confront him about the missing brew. He yelled and waved a knife but the neighbor denied the accusation. After returning home he conceived a flawless plan of revenge. Christopher retrieved his phone and walked to the bathroom, knife still in hand. He dialed 911 and told the dispatcher that his neighbor stabbed him. He then proceeded to impale himself on the knife. The second stab sliced his left ventricle and he passed away 2mins later. (Darwinawards.com)
And now, the moment we have all been waiting for. The 2005 Darwin Award, first place award goes to: Nguyen from Vietnam. This 21yr old found an old rusty detonator about the size of a twinky. Nguyen insisted that the device was too old to work. After a few beers he convinced his friends to plug the long wires coming out the end into a nearby 220volt outlet. They plugged it in while he placed the detonator in his mouth. The explosion that resulted successfully stopped his stupid gene from being passed on. (Darwinawards.com)
That’s all folks! The 2005 Darwin Awards!
As we continue to change and evolve let us pray that none of the individuals in this room will incur a level of ignorance and stupidity and contribute to our evolution by participating in the cleansing of our gene pool. Remember think before you act. If you have ever done anything stupid just for kicks, thought that natural selection was a kind of beer, or when I said “gene pool” you wanted to come over and swim, Watch out! You may be eligible for an award next year!